memories

     My sleep was haunted by memories of a time in my life where foolishness and selfishness ruled over me.  Thirteen years ago I walked out on my husband and my two small children.  And last night my mind took me to the scene when I was walking out the door and my three year old is saying “mommy don’t go”  “Mommy don’t go”.  “It’s okay baby, mommy loves you, go back inside and eat you dinner.”  I turned and the flood gates opened up.  I sat in the car and cried a good while before I could drive off.  I immediatly went and drowned my sorrows in as many mixed drinks as it took.  I was so sure that I had forgiven myself for the many mistakes I have made.  So tell  me why is the hurt and the pain as strong now as it was when it was happening?  Even as I am typing this tears are falling uncontrollably.  Can we really have forgiven ourselves and still have this strong a reaction to a distant memory.  I would like to say that they are tears of joy because I know what God has done for me and how far He has taken me but I can’t.  It is sorrow, and pain, and hurt, and guilt.  Are these the consequences of my actions?  Maybe so.  Thank God I have His word to comfort me!

                                “for His anger last only a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime;  weeping may remain for a night but rejoicing comes in the morning” Ps 30:5

                                 “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  Oh Lord my God I will give you thanks forever!” Ps 30:11-12